Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”