me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
At least he brought enough for everyone
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.