I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
me adding lol on a serious message