I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”