How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour