I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Every haunted house movie:
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of