Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
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Never ghost your hitman.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
best review i’ve ever seen
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route