All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’