Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
What a year we’ve had this week.