K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
All. The. Damn. Time.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee