A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.