I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“i miss shittin on people”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do