Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.