if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I bet birds love this building.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.