If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon