The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
my retirement plan is braless
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.