Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
True statement👍😏😁
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.