baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
You Might Also Like
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Clients after you give them your rates
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.