“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror