the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.