My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’M CRYINGGG
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.