Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
me and who
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*