ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave