Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.