If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
You Might Also Like
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Candles never taste the way they smell
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.