I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.