I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?