friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg