Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
You Might Also Like
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
reminder
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
In case you needed to hear it:
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*