A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
You Might Also Like
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Lmao the reply
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.