“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
You Might Also Like
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken