*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Great Canadian literature.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.