True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat