[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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Found my door mat
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[eulogy]
line?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.