When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Tremendous stuff
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?