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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
hmm conte-me mais
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
life finds a way
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead