I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]