Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
You Might Also Like
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training