The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
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Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.