What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Wait a minute