[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
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holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.