I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.