I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
remember
only for emergencies
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.