I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I love wikipedia
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything