For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Support your local cemetery
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Check out the legs on this baby
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
This will never not be funny to me.