[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?