ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof