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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”