“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.