me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me when my alarm goes off
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
i’m still crying at this
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.